Goodbye Letter

"My beautiful mother passed away three year ago after a graceful battle with Ovarian Cancer."

Dear Mom,

I hope that wherever you are, this finds you well.

Last week, I had to teach a book about a woman’s experience with cancer. During classes, I explained to my students the subtle and not too subtle details of being a cancer patient. Mom, I think I’m getting over cancer. It scares me immensely.

In the past three and a half years, I’ve taken comfort in knowing that whenever I’m incredibly sad, I could resort to worst parts of our life together. To the nights when you couldn’t sleep, to the chemotherapy sessions, to the falling hair, to the last night at home when you wanted crème Brule and you were so sick that Tareq and I had to move you around the house on a blanket. Everything in your body hurt and I couldn’t even touch you. This, to this day, remains my escape when the world crumbles down in my face (and you must know, they’re always little crumbles so don’t worry).

I miss you more than I can possibly fathom without getting entirely overwhelmed. When I look at your pictures I miss every inch of your embrace, your eyes, the way you said “hello” when you called me, and all of our fights. I sit and wonder these days, if you’re proud of me, if you’re looking down and telling whoever is sitting next to you that I’m your daughter, your sunshine that just keeps getting brighter. I wonder if you forgive me better than I forgive myself.

So, without knowing the answer, and without entirely believing anything in my heart, I chose, on this beautiful Friday, to let you go. I want your soul to fly over vast valleys and I want your spirit to watch a waterfall from the top of a mountain. I want you to fall in love and make up for all the pain you felt bringing us into this world, and the guilt you felt when you knew you were leaving us.

Mom, I think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Your smile will always remain one of the best things that have graced this planet. You have been an amazing mother, a kind daughter and the most precious friend.

I hope you find sometime to visit me and tell me all about your adventures. When you do, I’ll tell you all about mine.

I love you, entirely,

Tala